How to be an Amazing Supervillain
by Pied Flycatcher
Summary: Sephiroth has enrolled on a course for Final Fantasy supervillains, taught by none other than the great Kefka himself! Parody of FF villains.
1. Chapter 1

**(A/N: This is a parody featuring all the FF villains from FFVI-X. Sephiroth is taking a course in supervillainy but along the way he meets a number of very strange villains and a crazy teacher... **

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. Square-Enix does. This disclaimer covers all chapters of this story.)**

* * *

In an ordinary, small classroom with wooden desks and bright sunlight filtering through dirty windows, Kefka stood behind the teacher's desk, scribbling on the blackboard with squeaky white chalk. He stepped back to admire his handiwork. The blackboard read:

HOW TO BE AN AMAZING SUPERVILLAIN (Introductory Course)

The door to his left banged open. Kefka rubbed his hands in glee as the first student stalked in: a silver-haired man dressed in black. Sephiroth stopped short at the sight of him.

"I'm being taught by a _clown_?"

"Hee hee hee!" said Kefka. "Everyone knows that clowns are the most evil people around! So sit down and learn from me!"

Scowling, Sephiroth moved over to one of the desks at the front of the classroom and sat down. Kefka grinned maniacally at him.

The second student walked in through the still-open door. Well, not walked. Kuja never walked. He pranced into the room, swinging his hips, and made an artful bow.

"I see the stage is already set," said Kuja. "Now I, Kuja, the star of the show, have arrived, so let the pageant begin!"

Sephiroth stared at him. It was a man's voice coming out of those thin lips, but... "You're wearing a _thong_?" he muttered. God, he wondered, what was wrong with the traditional supervillain black?

"Do you like it?" asked Kuja coyly. "I think it suits me rather well."

Kefka interrupted them by banging on the desk maniacally with a ruler. "Welcome to the class, Kuja! Now sit down before I blow you all to smithereens!"

Kuja took the seat next to Sephiroth, who scraped the floor with the chair in his haste to get away.

"Wow, how do you get your hair like that?" Kuja cooed. "I can never do it, mine always goes feathery..."

"It's like that naturally," said Sephiroth stiffly.

"Really? And is silver your natural colour too?" Kuja reached over to stroke Sephiroth's hair.

"Yes!" he spat.

Kuja ran a hand through his own lustrous locks. "Hmm... maybe I'm using the wrong shampoo."

Sephiroth's expression darkened, but before he had chance to do what he really wanted to do – which was to skewer Kuja right there in the classroom with his Masamune – Kefka walked over to them, laughing maniacally.

"Ooh, Kefka, that's a lot of make-up you're wearing!" said Kuja. "What do you use? I prefer Rimmel."

Kefka nodded maniacally. "Yes, it's Rimmel for me too! I love that eyeshadow you're wearing, Kuja!"

Kuja batted his eyelids. Sephiroth snorted.

"You look ridiculous. Kuja looks like a girl as it is; why make it worse?"

"Aha!" said Kefka. "This is one of the great supervillain tricks you are missing, Sephiroth! Painted faces are a sign of villainy! How can you expect to be taken seriously as a villain without a bit of slap on?"

Sephiroth decided it was best not to respond.

The clown-faced teacher returned to the front of the classroom, behind his desk. He tapped the blackboard maniacally with his ruler. "Where are the rest of the students? They are all keeping me waiting! I will not have this, I shall destroy them all with my Light of Judgement! HAHAHAHAHA!"

Sephiroth and Kuja watched Kefka with dubious looks on their faces.

"And I thought I was insane," muttered Sephiroth. "This really takes the biscuit."

"I like him," said Kuja. Sephiroth gave him a withering glance.

Just then, the third student entered the classroom.

"I offer my sincerest apologies for my lateness," said Seymour. "I'm afraid I woke up this morning with the most dreadful bed hair and it took me _hours_ to rectify."

"Wow!" said Kuja. He leapt up. "That's amazing! How _do_ you get your hair to stay like that?" He indicated Seymour's ridiculous coiffered... thing. Like a blue lightning bolt sticking over his forehead, Sephiroth thought. Even mine isn't that ridiculous.

"It takes hours, I assure you," said Seymour, laughing in a slightly sinister and slightly gay way.

Kefka jumped up and down, enraged at being ignored for so long. "All right, now sit down Seymour! I'll make sure you'll be punished for your lateness! Take it up with my receptionist!"

"Your receptionist?"

"Ultros! The octopus downstairs! He'll have a few fun things planned for you!" Kefka laughed maniacally.

Seymour blanched. "Wonderful."

"Can we start the lesson now?" Sephiroth demanded. "I haven't learnt anything yet except what a bunch of freaks you all are."

Kefka banged on the desk with his ruler, almost snapping it. "Right! Since this is the first lesson, we're just going to have a little get-to-know-you session!"

Seymour took a chair next to Kuja, smiling. Kuja clapped his hands in delight. Sephiroth sighed, his fingers twitching over his sword.

Kefka waved his arms maniacally. "Firstly, what is your supervillain goal? Kuja?"

Kuja stood up, tossed back his hair and pouted. "Ever since I found out I was a mortal, I've wanted to destroy everything! I mean, it's not fair that everyone gets to live without me, is it?"

Sephiroth restrained himself from rolling his eyes with difficulty. "How childish."

Kuja glared at Sephiroth. "I won't let the universe exist without me! If the play has a finale, _I_ must be in it!"

"Selfish, too." Sephiroth yawned. "Well, there's nothing wrong with that. But clearly you lack the intelligence to realise what you should really do."

"Oh, and what's your big plan, Sephy?"

Sephiroth stiffened. "Don't call me Sephy!"

Kefka stamped his feet hard so his class would notice him. (The ruler had snapped.) "Yes, Sephiroth! Tell us your supervillain goal!"

Sephiroth smirked. "I wish to become a God. I will destroy the planet, and use its power to become immortal."

The light dawned in Kuja's eyes. "Oh, that's a good idea! Why didn't I think of that?"

Sephiroth sneered at him. "Why, indeed."

Kuja made a great, sweeping bow. "You know, Sephy, if I didn't have an ego the size of the planet, I would hero-worship you!"

"I don't need your praise, pitiful mortal."

"Stop!" said Kefka. "We haven't heard from Seymour yet!"

Everyone turned to Seymour, who until then had been sitting quietly, with a small smile on his face. Seymour stood up.

"You wish to know my supervillain goal?" He laughed softly, in a slightly sinister and slightly gay way. "I intend to become Sin, so that I can travel my world, bringing chaos and destruction to all the people of Spira. I will bring death to everyone!"

Sephiroth nodded. "So that's how you plan to avoid death? By becoming a giant whale?"

Seymour frowned, but his smile returned almost immediately. "You think I am a pathetic, wimpy villain, I can tell! But I am already immortal."

Kuja jumped up. "How so? How did you do it?"

Seymour laughed, in a slightly sinister and slightly gay way. "I am already dead. Death is eternal. Death is where true immortality lies."

Both Kuja and Sephiroth stared at him, trying to work out how a dead man could be sitting with them, looking as normal as a man with freaky blue hair could look, and not like a zombie at all.

"Now that..." said Sephiroth finally, "is lame. A villain who's already dead? What's the point in that?"

"Oh, not as lame as a villain who's just a mummy's boy," said Seymour slyly. "I've heard about you, Sephiroth."

"Don't you dare insult Mother!"

Everyone laughed, but they were all drowned out by Kefka's maniacal laughter. Sephiroth felt his face burn. His fingers twitched even more next to his Masamune.

Finally, Kefka gazed at them all with an insane glint in his eyes. "You're all pathetic! I've never seen such a bunch of pathetic, snivelling, wannabe supervillains! The goal of a villain is to DESTROY! DESTROY EVERYTHING! Who cares what for?"

"He really is two sandwiches short of a picnic," Sephiroth muttered.

Kuja giggled.

"Anyway!" Kefka continued. "NEXT! What's your proudest supervillain achievement? Sephiroth?"

Sephiroth stood up and lazily drew his Masamune. The insanely long blade flickered in the sunlight.

Seymour leaned over and whispered to Kuja. "That's a very long sword he's got there."

Kuja smirked. "Think he's overcompensating for something?" The two of them stuffed their fists in their mouths to stop themselves from laughing. Sephiroth didn't hear them. Instead, he lifted his blade and announced proudly:

"I killed Aerith."

Kuja's eyes widened. "You actually managed to kill off one of the heroes? Permanently?"

Sephiroth nodded smugly.

"Or, in other words," said Seymour, "you skewered a defenceless girl with an eight foot blade. Amazing. How difficult that must have been!"

"Did you ever manage to kill one of the heroes?" snapped Sephiroth.

"No, but..."

"Then I suggest you shut up."

"But that wasn't even you, was it?" Seymour went on. "You were encased in Mako all the time; it was simply your mother Jenova assuming your form."

For a moment, Sephiroth was taken aback. How did Seymour know that? The blue-haired man smiled in triumph, obviously sensing Sephiroth's disquiet.

"It was my will being done." He glared at Seymour, and was gratified when the blue-haired man had the sense to shut his mouth.

"Why kill one of the girls?" asked Kuja suddenly. "I wanted my pretty canary alive and well in her cage." He sighed. Sephiroth stared at him in disgust.

"I did manage to marry the heroine," Seymour mused.

Kuja gasped. "What? You caught your canary?"

Seymour laughed, in a slightly sinister and slightly gay way. "Yes, but then she flew away."

"Ha!" said Sephiroth. He stabbed his sword into the wooden floor. "Beat my achievement then, if you can!"

Kefka stuck out his tongue behind Sephiroth's back. "Next! Kuja!"

Kuja smiled. He spread his arms and addressed his audience theatrically. "Behold! I am the angel of death! In the first act, I crushed all three kingdoms on the Mist Continent. And then I found my true power, and destroyed an entire world!" He let out his breath and stared around impressively.

Sephiroth yawned.

"And... Seymour!" yelled Kefka, who seemed to be getting louder and more maniacal every second.

Seymour stood up and paused, as he thought. He stood there in silence for about five minutes while Sephiroth smirked and Kuja painted his toenails.

"Well?" Kefka jumped up and down and laughed maniacally.

Seymour hung his head. "I... can't really think of anything. Well... except that I did throw all the heroes in prison once. But they escaped."

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "Impressive. I see now why you mocked me."

"All right, I know, I'm a lame villain!" said Seymour despairingly. "Even my hair is too over-the-top. That's why I need these classes!"

"You see," said Kuja smugly, "you've got to have style to pull an outfit like this off." He brushed a few specks of dust from his white sleeve and tightened his thong.

"And you've got to have class to pull off elegance like mine," said Sephiroth, throwing back his sheet of silver hair. "I can walk through fire without even singing my fringe."

Seymour hung his head. His stiff blue locks drooped a little.

Kefka banged on the blackboard with his fist. A cloud of chalky dust engulfed him and he cursed, before turning back to his class with a distinctly paler face than the grinning evil clown one he'd worn before. "You're all lame!" he yelled. "That's why I'm here to teach you! I am the master!" Kefka paused a moment to laugh maniacally. He continued his lecture, pacing around behind his desk and glaring at them all. "Killing flower girls, ruining a few nations... that's nothing! I am the ultimate supervillain because I actually succeeded in destroying the world!" Kefka grinned triumphantly. "And I did it for the hell of it! None of this 'Mother' crap, or turning into a giant whale! Destruction for destruction's sake! HAHAHAHAHA!"

The class stared at him, dumbfounded.

Suddenly, the classroom door creaked open again. A woman stalked in. Sephiroth noticed that she had black wings decorating her back. He frowned. Wings were _his_ thing.

"Ultimecia!" Kefka greeted her. "I forgot about you!"

Ultimecia nodded stiffly. "Yes, that is probably bekause I hardly ever appear until the very end." She swept over to a seat on Sephiroth's other side. "Have I missed anything?"

"We were just telling each other our supervillain goals!" said Kefka. "Tell us yours!"

"Ah, of kourse." Ultimecia nodded grandly. "I intend to achieve time kompression."

"Oh yeah, time kompression! I mean, time compression! That's a good one!"

Sephiroth and Kuja looked at each other blankly.

"Well, that's today's class over, folks!" Kefka announced. "See you next week, if I haven't torched the entire world by then!"

Kuja sidled up to Sephiroth, a little too close for comfort. Sephiroth could see every one of his mascara-laden lashes.

"Fancy going out for a drink tonight, Sephy?"

Sephiroth finally lost control. "DON'T CALL ME SEPHY!"

Kuja pouted. "See you next week then. You all know I'm the best!" He blew Sephiroth a kiss, and then flounced out of the classroom, hips swinging.


	2. Chapter 2

After two weeks of classes, all Kefka had done was to tell them of his own evil exploits. In between bouts of maniacal laughter, he claimed that all the students should learn from his example. Sephiroth scowled. 

That morning, it was cloudy, making the classroom dimly lit at best. This suited Sephiroth. Brooding required a dark atmosphere. The room was almost empty; Kefka had not yet arrived.

Sephiroth turned round to the only other student, who was sitting behind him.

"It's not like you to be early, Ultimecia," he commented.

Ultimecia looked up from her book. "Don't worry, I shall disappear shortly. The alarm klokk woke me up early today." She frowned. "I smashed it. Time is playing games with me; I will not have it!"

"What's that you're reading?"

Ultimecia tried to hide the book away, but Sephiroth was too quick. He snatched it from her and held it up to the light.

"'An Idiot's Guide To Time Kompression'," he read. "Ha, nice to know the series is still going even far into the future."

Ultimecia sulked. "Give it to me!"

Sephiroth smirked. "You want your book back, huh? Care to come and get it?" He tossed the book into the air, drew his Masamune and impaled the book on the blade's sharp point, all in one swift, fluid movement.

Ultimecia jumped up for the book, but she couldn't reach it. Sephiroth waved his sword high in the air tauntingly.

"Give it to me!" she snarled.

"Oh, that leap was pathetic," the silver-haired villain sneered. "You should try wearing something more practical than that dress. And one of these days I'm going to remove those wings forcibly. Nobody – I mean _nobody!_ – gets to have wings but me."

The classroom door banged open. Sephiroth froze, expecting to see an angry Kefka, but it was Kuja who pranced in.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome!" Kuja made a graceful bow. Then he noticed that Sephiroth was holding his sword in the air with a book impaled on the end and Ultimecia was unsuccessfully reaching up for it with her long fingers, scowling. "Oh my, aren't we being childish today," Kuja laughed. "Teacher not here? No? Then I suppose it falls to me to discipline you unruly children."

Sephiroth brought his sword down so fast it was a blur. He pointed it at Kuja's throat. "Don't move, Kuja," he said warningly. "It would give me great pleasure to kill you."

Kuja laughed. "Oh, I'm terrified. You're going to slay me with a book?" He plucked Ultimecia's textbook from the end of the sword and strolled over to the teacher's desk, chuckling as he read the title.

"That book is mine," said Ultimecia. "Give it to me!"

Kuja smiled graciously. "Of course, fair lady." Ultimecia swept over and he made an elegant bow. She took the book, shot Sephiroth a final look of contempt, and left the class.

Kuja perched on the end of the teacher's desk and tossed back his hair. "It is time for me to take over as teacher," he announced. "Listen up, class-"

"Shut up, you pathetic mortal," growled Sephiroth. "I'm not having a half-witted, thong-wearing fem-boy teaching me. You still haven't found out how to stop yourself from dying, have you?"

"Last time I looked, you still hadn't become a god," said Kuja silkily. "Why don't you go ask Mummy?"

Sephiroth was so angry, he had difficulty speaking, but he kept his voice and expression cold. "Go – to – hell."

"Oh, what a wonderful comeback! Your gruffness is rather quaint and amusing, but I'm afraid you will never beat me, Kuja, the master of words!"

"We'll see about that!" Sephiroth lifted his Masamune. "I could skewer you right now! You don't even have the strength to carry a weapon, you worm!"

"My greatness goes far beyond the need to carry primitive bits of metal." Kuja jumped up onto the desk with the agility of a monkey. "And my magic is all I require to crush you!"

Sephiroth glared at Kuja and his eyes narrowed. He tensed his muscles, Kuja raised his hands to cast a spell-

"What's going on here?"

The pair froze and turned to look at their unpredictable teacher. As Kefka had settled into the role of teacher, he had become slightly less maniacal but his eyes still shone with an insane light. Sephiroth had no idea if Kefka would stop them or encourage a fight.

"The tension in here's hotter than Kuja's thong when he gets itchy!" said Kefka gleefully. "I love chaos, but you gotta obey the rules, folks! Keep the death and destruction to your own world! Otherwise I'll have to frazzle you with my Light of Judgement!"

Sephiroth sheathed his Masamune. "Very well. This fashion victim is beneath my contempt." He turned away and stalked over to his desk, hoping he had come across as cool and unflustered.

Kuja stuck out his tongue behind Sephiroth's back.

"Get off my desk, Kuja!" Kefka poked him with his new ruler. He'd got through nearly all the school's supply by now.

Kuja gave a high-pitched shriek and toppled off the desk. He managed to straighten up and brush down his clothes before Sephiroth turned to laugh at him. Kuja swaggered over to the black-clad villain and bent down close to him.

Sephiroth tried not to react this time, aware that Kuja knew how uncomfortable his close proximity was to him. Kuja batted his eyes at Sephiroth.

"I think I quite enjoyed all that tension earlier," he said. "A few sparks between us, don't you think, my silver canary?"

"I think I'll castrate you," said Sephiroth through gritted teeth.

The thong-wearer laughed and took his seat next to him, giving all his attention to Kefka. Curse his good-boy act, thought Sephiroth. He had quickly noticed how Kuja had become Kefka's pet. Kuja always smiled prettily at his insane teacher, and the two of them were always swopping make-up tips. Sephiroth burned with jealousy. Wasn't _he_ the greatest supervillain of all time? He should be the class favourite! I don't care about them anyway, he told himself. This class is stupid and pointless. I'll just stay here to laugh at all their inferior ways.

"Where is Seymour?" asked Kefka irritably. "That boy is always late!"

"He might still be recovering from that detention you gave him yesterday," Kuja offered.

"Hee hee hee, yes! The slimy little tosspot shouldn't have sprayed his Super Duper Extra Strong Hold hairspray onto my chair! I had to walk around for half the day with a chair stuck to my behind!"

Kuja placed his hand over his mouth in mock horror, but Sephiroth knew he was really hiding his smile. He imagined spraying Super Duper Extra Strong Hold hairspray onto Kuja's mouth. That would shut the drag queen up, he thought.

Right on cue, Seymour strolled in, bringing with him a strong smell of pond weed. Kuja immediately held his nose.

"Ugh, Seymour, what on earth is that dreadful smell?"

"I apologise once again for my late arrival," said Seymour. "Ultros took your orders a little too literally, Kefka. I took several showers this morning but couldn't wash off the smell. Please ignore it. Better still, pretend it doesn't exist."

Kefka laughed maniacally. "That's Ultros for you! He's an octopus who likes to be hands on! Now sit down, you pond slime!"

Sephiroth closed his eyes, trying to instil a sense of calmness.

"Listen up, you freaks!" yelled Kefka. Sephiroth sighed. There was no way he could concentrate with a mad clown in the room.

"Today we're going to be looking at exemplary supervillains from the world of theatre!"

Kuja clapped his hands. "Theatre? Ooh, I love theatre!"

"Of course, for the perfect example of the greatest supervillain, you can't look any further than me, but this fictional villain could teach you all a lesson in psychological manipulation!" Kefka laughed maniacally as he wrote a name on the blackboard.

Wow, thought Sephiroth, he actually managed quite a long sentence before descending into another fit of madness. He tried to decipher Kefka's scrawled handwriting.

The name on the blackboard was: Iago.

Kuja let out a soft gasp of recognition. Sephiroth frowned.

"That's right, Iago!" said Kefka triumphantly. "He weaves a web of words to ensnare everyone into his evil net! His devious ways and cunning tricks fool all those around him! He causes the downfall of everything, but especially that pathetic hero Othello!"

"Oh, I see now," said Seymour. "I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that play. My duties as Maester mean I have little time for such frivolities."

Sephiroth folded his arms, unimpressed. Nobody could teach him anything about psychological manipulation. Not after he'd screwed up Cloud so badly that the dumb blond had handed him the Black Materia. He put his hand up, ready to boast – he wanted to achieve _some_ recognition, damn it! – but Kuja beat him to it.

"Ooh, ooh, I know the play," he said eagerly. "It's one of my favourites! I agree, Iago sets such a great example; even though he is a simple, lowly human and not an all-powerful angel of death like me, he still does great things with what he's got." He stood up and struck a theatrical pose. "_Divinity of hell! When devils will the blackest sins put on, they do suggest at first with heavenly shows, as I do now_." He sighed and put a hand on his breastplate. "Ah, poetry!"

Show-off, thought Sephiroth.

Kefka banged on the table with his ruler in excitement. "Very good, very good, Kuja!"

Kuja bowed and sat down again. He gave Sephiroth a smug look and tossed his hair. Sephiroth wanted to tear it out. He'd have those feathers first.

"Did you want to say something, Sephiroth?" asked Kefka, seeing that the silver-haired man had now lifted his Masamune into the air in an attempt to be noticed. Sephiroth opened his mouth.

Just then, there was a timid knock at the door.

"Come in!" barked Kefka.

A moogle poked its head around the door. "Good morning, Kefka. There's a message waiting for you downstairs, kupo." The moogle twitched its nose and its red pompom waved back and forth.

"Can't my receptionist deal with it?"

"No, he says it's urgent, kupo!"

Kefka stamped his feet, enraged. "All right then, tell him I'll be down in a minute!"

"Kupo." The moogle left.

Kefka glared at his students, all of whom were keeping their expressions carefully blank. "I want you all to get a copy of _Othello_ from the bookshelf and read the parts with Iago in it! Act Three is especially good! You'd all better behave while I'm gone or I'll blow up the lot of you!"

"Leave it to me," said Kuja grandly.


	3. Chapter 3

Kefka gave his class one last suspicious look, then stomped to the door. "No fighting!" he said. The door slammed.

Sephiroth stretched his arms and yawned. "Guess we can relax a bit now."

Seymour looked around the classroom, his eyes glinting craftily. Kuja flounced up to the bookshelf, picked out two battered copies of _Othello_ and one brand new shiny one, and threw the battered copies to Sephiroth and Seymour.

"You're not seriously going to read it, are you?" asked Seymour, flicking through his copy doubtfully.

"Of course not," said Kuja archly. "But it will give a much better impression if we actually have the books with us when Kefka gets back, don't you think?" He laughed. "It's all about appearances, my dear Seymour. I should know."

"Yes, I hear that you're really a monkey-boy like your brother Zidane," Seymour replied. "Tell me, where are you hiding your tail?"

"He's got a _tail_... somewhere under there?" Sephiroth's eyes widened.

"Would you like to stroke it?" asked Kuja coyly. "No? The reason I hide it is simple. I prefer to stay away from my origins and assert my own individuality."

"So you thought the best way to do that was to wear a thong and just generally try and look like a girl as much as possible?" Sephiroth snorted. "You've certainly kept away from your origins. No-one would ever guess you're an XY."

"I could show you if you liked." Kuja placed a hand on his hip.

Sephiroth raised his eyes to the heavens. "No. Mother help me..."

Seymour was still flicking through the book. "I haven't got time to be reading all this," he said. "Listen, Kuja, you seem to know a lot about it. Please, share your knowledge with us. Then I can spend my time doing better things."

"Like pulling petty pranks?" Sephiroth sneered at him.

Seymour's mouth curled upwards. "I may have something in mind."

"I auditioned for the part of Iago once, you know," said Kuja reminiscently.

"Did you get it?" asked Seymour.

Kuja shook his head. "They said I didn't look the part. I played Desdemona instead."

Sephiroth choked. "A _woman_?"

"That must have been most enjoyable," said Seymour, who was busy leaking all the ink out of his pen into a small plastic cup and listening at the same time. Multi-tasking, in fact.

"Yes, it was," said Kuja, with no trace of embarrassment. "It was quite liberating to play a woman, I can tell you. I was excellent, of course. My performance was most convincing. It also gave me a great insight into the psyche of beautiful, innocent maidens. A very useful experience." He walked slowly over to Sephiroth's desk, swinging his hips, and bent his head down towards the silver-haired man. "In fact," purred Kuja, "I think you might benefit from that kind of experience, Sephy. Have you ever tried dressing up as a flower girl?"

"No, I have not!"

Seymour laughed. "I think you're missing out, my friend. I hear your nemesis Cloud likes crossdressing."

"For Mother's sake!" Sephiroth exploded. "If anyone so much as mentions the subject of crossdressing again, I'll slice their head off!"

"I think I touched a nerve," Kuja breathed. He gazed directly into Sephiroth's green eyes and blew him a kiss. "Never mind. I know you're not the cultured sort, sweet Sephy. How often do you go to the theatre?"

"I used to be a military general," he growled, refusing to take Kuja's bait. "The only play I saw was _Loveless_. I don't have time for plays."

"Kuja," said Seymour suddenly. "Who was playing opposite you? Did you have to do any love scenes with Othello?"

Kuja straightened up and grinned at the blue-haired prankster. Sephiroth found himself staring at Kuja's thong. He closed his eyes and prayed for sanity, something he hadn't been driven to do in a very long time.

"I'm a professional, Seymour," Kuja pouted. "I enjoy a kiss here and there. I'm a _very_ good kisser. The ladies in the audience all swooned whenever they saw Othello and me kiss. Oh... and as for the person playing Othello... we changed the play a little. Instead of Othello being a black man, he was a Burmecian rat."

"A _rat_?" Seymour and Sephiroth both cried out at the same time. Was there no end to this creature's depravity?

"Excuse me, I forgot to explain. There are rat people in my world. Othello was played by a rather attractive white rat called Dan... We had to change a few lines of course... Othello became the rat instead of the Moor... _a sewer rat is tupping your white ewe_."

Sephiroth's head reeled.

"... and we had moogles playing Cassio and Bianca." Kuja stopped. His head snapped around and he rushed to the door. "I think someone's coming!"

"Dammit!" said Seymour. He rushed to the front with his half-full cup of ink and quickly poured it into Kefka's flask. Kefka usually gulped it down at the beginning and end of a lesson. Sephiroth suspected it contained strong whiskey. Seymour giggled childishly as he replaced the cap and ran back to his seat.

But when the door opened a moment later, it was not Kefka storming in, but Ultimecia.

"I have returned," she announced. "Suitably near the end, of kourse." She looked around. "Where is Kefka?"

"I'm afraid he is absent for the time being," Kuja replied. "But please, take a seat. We are studying Shakespearean villains today."

"Shakespeare?" Ultimecia gave a rare smile. "I was in a play... many years ago."

Sephiroth shook his head. Why did so many supervillains waste their time with plays? Surely it would be more profitable to spend their time training and plotting and killing. He felt a little smug then. He had devoted all his life to being the best. No doubt now that he was far superior to these creatures.

"Really?" Seymour raised his eyebrows.

"Do tell," Kuja invited her.

"I played Lady Makbeth," said Ultimecia. "A fine villain. It is not often you get to see strong and evil females in plays. If only she did not become so limp and pathetik near the end of the play!" Ultimecia reached out her hand and spoke in a whimper. "_Out, damned spot!_ Pah! She had my great admiration until that point."

"I thought you spent all your time plotting how to compress time," said Seymour, his eyebrows getting even higher.

"I have to do something to okkupy myself in that gloomy kastle," replied Ultimecia dismissively.

"ARGGGGGHHHHHH!" The door flew off its hinges and was blasted across the room. Kuja and Sephiroth ducked.

"Kefka-" Kuja began, but he was drowned out as the clown-faced supervillain stormed into the room.

"That idiot Ultros lost all my files!" raged Kefka. "He said he lost a bet with Chupon... that's the last time I ever trust my administration to an octopus!" Kefka picked up his ruler and threw it at the blackboard. Then he grabbed his flask and unscrewed the top, his hands shaking.

"Kefka-" said Seymour.

"What are you all still doing here?" Kefka bellowed. "You might not have realised it but I am very ANGRY right now!"

"Kefka-" said Ultimecia.

"Shut UP!" Kefka lifted the flask to his mouth and took a huge gulp. The class froze in fear. "Ugh!" He spat out a mouthful of blue liquid. "RIGHT! WHO DID THAT? I'LL FRAZZLE YOU ALL!"

"I think it's time to leave," said Sephiroth.

Kuja pointed at Seymour. "It was him! He did it!"

"I think I should leave too," said Seymour.

They all ran, leaving Kefka to obliterate the classroom. Halfway down the corridor, they passed a moogle.

"What's going on, ku-"

"Nothing!" snarled Sephiroth, shoving the pink teddy bear out of the way.

"Phew!" said Kuja, once they had reached the ground floor. "That was a little undignified. Oh dear... I think I lost my thong."


	4. Chapter 4

Sephiroth strode into the newly rebuilt classroom. A few weeks after Kefka had destroyed the entire building, classes were resuming again. Sephiroth wouldn't have turned up, except that during the extended break he had once again attempted to kill Cloud and take over the world, and yet again he had failed. He growled as the memory came back to him. 

"Sephy!" a familiar voice cooed, interrupting his thoughts. "I thought you said you wouldn't be coming back for more lessons!"

"I changed my mind."

Kuja smiled. The feminine villain was dressed in his usual white, stomach exposed, thong thankfully intact. Sephiroth winced as more bad memories came back to him.

"I have also decided to honour this class with my presence," Kuja said. "I did go back to Memoria to wait for that fool Zidane so that I could destroy him in my Trance form, but my silly brother and his friends are sure taking their sweet time! I got so bored I decided to come back here."

"Heroes always do that," Sephiroth agreed. "There I was, having summoned Meteor, just waiting for them to arrive and challenge me. I thought that Meteor would never fall."

"Yes, and you know what the stupid boy is doing? He's messing about riding chocobos and fighting dragons. When the whole world could be about to end!"

"It was the same in my world. You wouldn't think Meteor was falling the way that idiot Cloud spent so much time playing games in the Gold Saucer. He also spent far too much time riding chocobos. I believe he feels some sort of connection with them, because he looks so much like one..." Sephiroth stopped. He had just realised what he was doing. He was having a civil conversation with Kuja! And they had something in common! Apart from both being evil supervillains, that is. This couldn't be right. He'd find himself exchanging styling tips with Seymour next.

"Yes, it's tough being a villain," Kuja sighed. "Ere the world ends, I must-"

"Silence, mortal!" Sephiroth snarled. "I don't wish to talk to you."

"How rude. I'm afraid you are most lacking in manners, dear Sephy. I shall have to teach you a lesson in the art of conversation."

A nerve in Sephiroth's temple twitched. But anger he could deal with. He knew what to do with his hatred. He drew his Masamune and pointed it at Kuja.

"I'd like to see you teach me manners while you're impaled on a sword!"

Kuja sighed and tossed his hair. "Not that again. It is getting rather old, Sephy. Don't you have anything else to threaten me with apart from a giant needle?"

A mad cackle coming from outside the classroom made them both turn around. Sephiroth's sword fell limply to his side, and Kuja's hair drooped a little.

Kefka entered, laughing maniacally.

"Kuja! Sephiroth! Glad you could both return! Allow me to introduce some new students!" The insane clown stepped aside and three young men entered the classroom. Sephiroth stared. _Oh no, not them..._

The three of them were dressed in black leather and they all had silver hair and green, cat-like eyes.

"Sephiroth?" said the middle one, whose short, perfectly straight hair fell across half his face. "Is that really you?"

Sephiroth was seized by a mad urge to deny it, to pretend that he was someone, anyone else.

"Yes, that's Sephiroth!" said Kefka gleefully. "Now introduce yourselves to the rest of the class!"

"Oh, yes, of course, sir," the young man replied. "My name is Kadaj, and these..." – he indicated the two men behind him dismissively – "are my brothers, Loz and Yazoo."

Loz grinned foolishly, while Yazoo remained poised and expressionless.

"Welcome," said Kuja, spreading his arms. His eyes fell on Yazoo. "Delighted to meet you."

Kadaj stepped forward towards Sephiroth, who until that point had remained frozen and glaring.

"Oh, Sephiroth," said Kadaj. "May I call you... father?"

"No, you may not!" he snarled back.

Yazoo's eyebrows contracted slightly; Loz sniffed.

"But Father!" the young man continued, prostrating himself at the older man's feet. "We are your progeny, your brethren. And it was I who resurrected you! We would very much like to-"

"Stop right there," Sephiroth growled. "I wish to make one thing very clear. I am the Great Sephiroth. Compared to me, you are mewling, puking, crying babies. You are not supervillains. You shouldn't even be in this class."

Kadaj's face fell. Behind him, Loz screwed up his face. His lip quivered. "But I wanted to play with you, Daddy."

"Don't cry, Loz," Yazoo said, but it was too late. The largest of the brothers bawled like a baby.

Kadaj shot them a venomous look. "Get him to shut up, will you," he hissed. "I'm trying to impress Father."

"Oh my," said Kuja. "Are they your children, Sephy-poo? I didn't realise you were a father."

Sephiroth stalked away and stared out of the window, refusing to look at anybody. He could hear Kefka sniggering. "They are not my children," he said icily. "They are worthless remnants, that is all."

Loz burst into fresh tears. Yazoo bent down to comfort him.

Kuja strolled over to the most feminine of the silver-haired men. Yazoo had long hair like Sephiroth. Kuja stroked it. "Say," he whispered, "you're a very attractive guy. I think I've just found a new favourite silver-haired villain! I hope you're not as bad-tempered as Sephy."

Yazoo stared at him expressionlessly. "Where's Mother?" he asked, in a flat tone of voice, lacking all personality. Because he doesn't have a personality.

"Hmm?" said Kuja. He tapped the boy's forehead. "Is there anybody in there? Or are you just a pretty little puppet for me to play with?"

Yazoo stared at him expressionlessly.

"Hey," said Kadaj. "I don't know who you are, sir, but could you please leave my brother alone?"

Kuja straightened up and flicked his hair, outraged. "You _don't know_ who I am? Dear me, are you all empty vessels? I, my feline little friend, am the great Kuja, the best supervillain ever!"

Kadaj looked at Kuja's thong and tried not to smile.

Kefka banged his ruler (yes, he'd bought another new one) on his desk. "Right, introductions over!" he barked. "Now sit down, class!"

Kadaj, Yazoo and Loz all took seats next to each other. Loz was in the corner, still whimpering. Kadaj was in the middle, still smiling. Yazoo was next to him, still expressionless. Sephiroth took his usual seat at the front of the class, as far away from his stupid brethren as possible. He scowled when he noticed Kuja slide into the seat next to Yazoo and start murmuring in his ear and stroking his hair. Kuja used to do that to him. Now the thong-wearer had deserted him.

Sephiroth closed his eyes. He couldn't believe what he had just been thinking. Surely he didn't miss Kuja's unwanted attentions? He shivered inwardly. He needed to massage his bruised ego. Killing someone would do the trick. Sephiroth looked around, fingers straying towards his Masamune. Who to kill? A tough choice...

Kuja put his left hand up, the right one still employed in other activities.

"What is it, Kuja? the clown-faced teacher asked.

"We're still missing some of the class. Seymour and Ultimecia aren't here yet."

Right on cue, as usual, Seymour entered the classroom.

"I apologise for my late arrival... ah, new students?" Seymour looked at the three silver-haired men with interest. "What have we here, Sephiroth-clones?"

"Where's Mother?" said Yazoo.

Seymour raised his eyebrows. Kuja giggled. "This one's like a black mage gone wrong. I like him. He's a life-sized doll. I think I'll take him home."

Sephiroth glared at Kuja. "You'll do no such thing. They are _my_ puppets."

"Oh, so you claim us, Father?" said Kadaj, his eyes shining. "We promise to serve you, to be your vessels, for Mother. If Mother wishes it so, we will do anything for you."

"Well, she does wish it," said Sephiroth, seizing his chance. "And I order you to be silent."

The three silver-haired men put their fingers on their lips. Loz hiccuped and grinned stupidly. Kuja held onto Yazoo's arm, still determined to claim him.

"Interesting," said Seymour. "I should like to know the story of how these... vessels came into being. I've heard some strange rumours about you, Sephiroth."

Sephiroth stared at him, but said nothing. Seymour had an uncanny knack for hearing all the gossip, but he wasn't going to admit that he'd been defeated again unless he had no choice.

"Shut up, Seymour!" yelled Kefka. "You're late again, so this time I'm really going to punish you! My new employee enjoys experimenting on strange creatures like you! He has a probe designed especially for sticking... What, Sephiroth?"

Sephiroth had stuck his hand up. "Can we start the lesson now? I'm a nanosecond away from killing somebody."

Kefka cracked his knuckles gleefully. "Certainly! Right, folks, I've been thinking since the last time we met."

Seymour and Sephiroth exchanged horrified looks.

"And I've realised that the reason every single one of you is a miserable failure as a supervillain is because you have weaknesses! It is your weaknesses that allow you to be defeated by pathetic, weak heroes who can't even slay a rat without at least two friends fighting with them. So I want you to get into pairs and identify each other's weaknesses. Then you can tell the whole class about them, and how you're going to eliminate them!"

Kefka sat back while the class divided into pairs. He pulled out a heavy book entitled 'A Supervillain's Guide to World Domination' and started reading.

Yazoo, to both Kadaj's and Sephiroth's chagrin, had been claimed by Kuja. Kadaj found himself trying to communicate with his thick, emotional brother, while Sephiroth was stuck with Seymour.

He didn't like the knowing look in the blue-haired man's eyes at all.

"Let's start with you, shall we?" he snarled.

Seymour laughed. "Certainly, if you wish."

"You're a pathetic villain," said Sephiroth. It felt good to be ranting again; he needed to get his overwhelming hatred off his chest. "Your weaknesses are too many to count. You can't fight. You can't use a sword. Instead, you have to rely on pathetic elemental magic and summons. Your dress sense makes you look like a florist. Hardly fear-inspiring."

"Wait," said Seymour. "I don't think any of those are weaknesses. Magic is my strength. And my costume happens to be the latest in Spira fashions."

"Believe what you want," Sephiroth sneered. "You're in denial."

"We'll see who's in denial," said Seymour, a faint smile curving his lips. "Tell me, what are your weaknesses?"

"I don't have any. I am the most powerful being in the world."

"And yet you've been defeated... let's see, how many times is it now? I think I've lost count of how many times Cloud has beaten you."

"Twice," snarled Sephiroth.

"Oh, I think it's more than that," Seymour smiled. "But let's go through the last time. Wasn't that when your brethren came into being? What are they?"

"Remnants of my spirit, no more. They are unimportant."

"Ah, I see. So, in a way, the three of them represent you?"

"I suppose you could say that," said Sephiroth, not sure where this was going. "They bear a physical resemblance to me."

"But personality too?" Seymour surveyed the three silver-haired men. Loz was having a temper tantrum, tears pouring down his face, while Kadaj berated him. Yazoo was poised and expressionless as ever, even though Kuja was now sitting on his knee and stroking his face. "So... what a lot they do say about you, my friend. We have a crybaby, a porcelain doll and their leader, the youngest of them all. How interesting. I do wish I could summon a psychoanalyst. A Freudian would have a field day with you, especially with that mother fixation you've got."

"Shut up!"

Seymour smirked.

Kuja flounced over to them, pulling Yazoo along with him.

"How are we doing, Sephy, Seymour?"

"None the better for your asking," Sephiroth growled. "Let go of my remnant."

Yazoo looked down at him expressionlessly. His head tilted a fraction.

"Oh, but he's such a pretty remnant," Kuja pouted. "He's like you without the intelligence or the muscle."

Sephiroth's face darkened. Seymour stepped in before the angry supervillain could attempt to skewer Kuja yet again.

"If he lacks intelligence, Kuja, how can you possibly discuss your weaknesses with him?"

"There's no need," said Kuja happily. "I don't have any."

"Ah. This seems to be a common misconception amongst villains. I, at least, have acknowledged my drawbacks. I suppose that when one is dead, it allows you to look upon your life with a little more perspective."

"Don't talk to me about death!" said Kuja. "Now I've found a plaything to get me through the boredom of waiting for Zidane before I destroy everything, I want to enjoy what life I have left. And buy whatever hair straighteners these guys are using too."

Seymour looked pensive. "Perhaps that's the problem. You wait for the heroes to arrive so they can defeat you. Why not destroy the world first?"

"Because I want to kill Zidane personally, and prove that I am more powerful than he is. I shall enjoy giving him a long, slow death."

A ruler banging on a desk made them all jump. "Right, my worthless cretins!" said Kefka maniacally. "Who's up first? Kadaj and Loz!"

Kadaj almost had to drag his brother to the front of the classroom. Loz's eyes were red, and he sniffed continually.

"Tell us your weaknesses!"

"My weakness, sir," said Kadaj, a cruel glint in his eye, "is to be stuck with two imbecilic brothers who are incapable of thinking for themselves."

"Don't be a meanie, Kadaj!" sobbed Loz. "I only wanted to play."

Kadaj spread his arms in despair. "Can anyone suggest a solution?"

"Let me have Yazoo," said Kuja, "and you can give Loz to Seymour. Then you and Sephy can plot away together."

"If you mean the crybaby over there," said Seymour, "then I don't want Loz."

Loz sniffed. "Nobody likes me," he whimpered.

"Is it any wonder?" said Kadaj. "For Mother's sake, get a grip."

"I have a better solution," said Sephiroth. He stood up and pointed his Masamune at Loz's throat. He wanted to kill someone. Loz would do.

"Father, no!" said Kadaj. "You would kill your own brethren?"

"He will vanish and become part of my spirit again," said Sephiroth. "Really, he's not a great loss, is he? And you will obey me if you want to please Mother."

Kadaj's cat-like eyes contracted as he looked uncertainly from Loz to Sephiroth.

"Where's Mother?" said Yazoo, somewhat randomly. Kuja poked him.

"Don't interfere," Sephiroth said to the room at large. Kefka rubbed his hands in glee. Loz's lower lip trembled. Sephiroth raised his sword...

"Shouldn't Ultimecia have arrived by now?" said Seymour suddenly. "I mean, we are near the end of the lesson. She ought to turn up."

Kuja's eyes widened. "You don't think..."

"...that she's finally achieved time compression?" Seymour finished.

The classroom contorted. Kuja screamed and held on to Yazoo. Sephiroth stumbled backwards. Then the entire world spiralled crazily and he lost consciousness.


	5. Chapter 5

Sephiroth opened his eyes. A kaleidoscope of images flickered around him as time contorted: Hojo sunbathing in his laboratory coat at Costa Del Sol while two bikini-clad girls rubbed sun cream on his face; the moment when he had found his mother Jenova and ripped off her head because the rest of her was too heavy to carry; Kuja, trying to fondle him; Kuja, offering to let Sephiroth stroke his tail; Kuja, grabbing a moogle and using it cover himself when his thong had fallen off, blushing coyly... the moment repeated itself... and repeated itself... and repeated itself until Sephiroth thought the sight would torment him into utter sanity. He covered his face with his arms, feeling dizzy.

Then, abruptly, the cacophony assaulting his senses stopped.

He opened his eyes, dreading where he might end up. He was on a barren, featureless plain. The greyish rocky land stretched as far as he could see, which was not very far because the light seemed to have a dulling effect, making it hard for even his eyes to pierce through the gloom.

"Ultimecia," he growled to the world at large. "Uncompress time _right now_!"

His ears caught a faint snigger. The snigger turned into a chuckle, which turned into a cackle, which turned into full-blown evil laughter. _Mwahahahahahaha..._

"Who's there?" He whipped round, his silver hair trailing behind him like the tail of a comet.

Standing only a few feet away from him was Kuja, wearing a very smug smile indeed. Crouched at Kuja's feet, his head lolling, was Yazoo. The boy's long silver hair covered his face; his hair was the only thing recognisable about him because Yazoo was now dressed in an outfit which reminded Sephiroth horribly of a certain flower girl.

"What have you done with my remnant?" he snarled.

"Don't worry about him," Kuja purred. "He's a little tired, that's all. I managed to keep him beside me as we travelled through time. We were just about to re-enact your famous killing scene when I heard someone calling and we ended up here. I didn't even have time to find a replica sword..."

"You sick, twisted, jumped-up little crossdresser!"

"Descending into insults already? How predictable." Kuja stepped over Yazoo's curled-up body and looked around. "Where are we?"

"I don't know! Stop changing the subject!"

Kuja looked at him sardonically. "Well, isn't this an interesting plain. Of all the places your imagination could have conjured up, you choose _this_?"

"My imagination?" Sephiroth did not like not knowing what was going on, not at all. He was already beginning to fume under his normally cool exterior. Kuja had that effect on him.

"When time compresses, you have to end up somewhere. All you have to do is choose." Kuja gave him a sly grin. "I returned to the bedchamber in my palace."

"Aah..." Yazoo stirred and groaned.

Sephiroth shot Kuja a filthy look and bent down to help his remnant. Yazoo looked at him with blank cat-like eyes.

"Father?"

"Call me by that name again and I'll let Kuja have you," Sephiroth muttered. He pulled Yazoo up. The boy stumbled and Sephiroth supported him. Although slender, he was a dead weight. Yazoo leaned his head on Sephiroth's shoulder.

"Aw," said Kuja. "Father and son together, how delightful."

"Shut up!"

Kuja sidled up to him and tapped him on the nose. Sephiroth swore and stumbled back, Yazoo pulling at him. He couldn't reach his Masamune like this.

"We seem to be the only ones here," said Kuja. He smirked. "What would you say to a threesome? I know Yazoo wouldn't object..."

"You-!"

Kuja backed away and spread his arms. "No? Come now, I only want to have a little fun..."

"How can you talk like this when the world's about to end, you monkey-brained pervert!"

Kuja smiled. "I thought you wanted the world to be destroyed?"

"Yes, but I wanted to be the one to do it! Not to be beaten by some old whore with a stopwatch!"

"I wouldn't worry about it. She'll fail. She always does. Once our little break is over, the show will continue. So, about that threesome..."

"Don't even think about it!"

"How would you rather spend the uncompressed time we have left then? Fight?"

"Yes, I think I would." It was time he killed this sick thong-wearing monkey-boy at last. He dropped Yazoo unceremoniously and drew his sword.

Kuja bowed. "Very well then. A battle to the death. Bow before my greatness, Sephy!"

"You can forget all your posturing," Sephiroth sneered. He adopted a fighting stance. "I'll impale you like a gnat on a pin!"

Yazoo raised his head just enough to ask, "Where's Mother?" before Sephiroth kicked him. Sephiroth advanced, confident in his abilities. Kuja's skimpy armour wouldn't protect him; his stomach was exposed for the skewering. At last Kuja would regret his awful fashion sense.

The thong-wearer's eyes glinted. "Allow me to show you the power of Trance!"

Just as Sephiroth was about to lunge, Kuja's body glowed. He stopped and shielded his eyes, squinting against the overwhelming brightness in this otherwise dark world.

Kuja... had changed. The no-longer-thong-wearing villain floated above him, his hair a mass of red feathers, his face white... and yes, he did have a tail swinging behind him. It was most distracting. Sephiroth's eyes followed its pendulum-like movement a couple of times before he collected himself. Kuja raised a hand and released a bolt of energy, which shot towards Sephiroth like a missile. Sephiroth dodged it, and Kuja's magic blasted a crater in the rocky ground.

"Ouch," said Yazoo. His arm was bleeding; he had received a deluge of shrapnel.

Kuja's mouth twisted. "Don't make me damage my doll again, Sephiroth."

Sephiroth stared at him. "Trance, hmm? Is this your most powerful form? Then how about... this?" He jumped into the air, as a single black wing grew out of his shoulder blade, and floated in front of Kuja, his Masamune ready to strike. "Now you shall learn why they call me the One Winged Angel!"

Kuja laughed. "One wing? Oh dear, Sephy, couldn't you afford the second one?"

"Die!" Sephiroth charged towards that painted, laughing face, aiming for the heart...

... and fell into inky blackness. His eyes widened; the time vortex had shifted again and now he was flying down a twisting tunnel of shapes, colours, sounds and smells.

Dark clouds surrounded him. He felt himself descending, and then his feet landed on a bed of sand. He was standing in what appeared to be some kind of arena, with raised terraces around him. He turned around.

And straight ahead of him was a kid. A kid with the most enormous feet he had ever seen, but even more bizarre than that, he was carrying a giant key.

What kind of freaky dream was this?

And now the kid was holding the giant key like a sword, ready to charge at him. He had spiky hair like Cloud, but brown instead of blond. That was enough for Sephiroth. Some little Cloud-imitating punk trying to attack him with a giant key? The kid would die for that.

Sephiroth lunged forward as the kid started towards him. He struck once, twice, thrice with his Masamune and the kid fell through the air dramatically, shouting, "Noooo!"

Sephiroth flicked a few drops of blood from the end of his sword and turned away dismissively. "That's what you get for challenging the Great Sephiroth."

Now that was _cool_. He smiled. It had been a long time since he had been able to revel in his badassness.

At the side of the arena, someone clapped. Sephiroth stopped and turned. A solitary spectator was sitting on one of the steps. His clapping reverberated around the arena and caused his stiff blue hair to vibrate slightly.

"Seymour!" Sephiroth hissed. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Watching you, of course," said Seymour. "Bravo! Well done!"

Sephiroth glared at him suspiciously.

"Shall we have an encore?" said Seymour. "Rewind!"

And the world around Sephiroth suddenly rushed backwards in a dizzying blur. He heard a click, and distant laughter, and then the dark clouds surrounded him again. He descended into the arena. And there was the kid _again_, with his stupid giant key!

"What the...?" Sephiroth muttered, but the kid didn't wait for him this time; he dashed forward with a determined look in his blue eyes.

Sephiroth slashed and missed, as the kid dodged behind him.

"Watch you don't trip over your big feet," he muttered. "Ouch!" The kid had whacked him with the giant key! "You'll pay for that!"

Sephiroth moved too fast for the kid to react and slashed him from the side. The kid screamed and fell dramatically, defeated again. Sephiroth smoothed back his silver hair and smirked. His eyes shifted to the arena steps, and yes, there was Seymour clapping again, but in a different spot this time.

"Very good!" said Seymour. "But I think Sora wants to try again."

"What?" hissed Sephiroth, once again infuriated at being kept in the dark. "Who's Sora? What the hell is going-"

"Rewind!" said Seymour. Something clicked, and the world rushed backwards. _Oh Mother, not again..._

This time the kid was faster, and he managed to get in a combination of hits before Sephiroth slaughtered him. Sephiroth marched straight over to Seymour and pointed his Masamune at the blue-haired villain's throat.

"Tell me what's going on!"

Seymour smiled and stuffed some popcorn into his mouth. "I'm simply enjoying the spectacle, that is all."

"I'm not fighting him again!"

"Too late," said Seymour. "Rewind."

Sephiroth snarled but time had already reversed itself.

The kid had seriously improved. Sephiroth lunged several times and missed; his other attacks were parried and when he tried to cast magic, the kid whacked him. After a few more minutes of battle, Sephiroth managed to pummel the kid with a spell and slash his throat open straight afterwards.

"Aargh!" the kid screamed, in his annoying high-pitched voice. He fell to the ground dramatically. Sephiroth snorted. But now he was feeling a trace of panic. He had to get out of this time loop.

"Seymour," he growled. "Stop whatever stupid game you're playing!"

"But it's extremely entertaining," said Seymour, slurping a fizzy drink.

"How many times do I have to fight him?"

"Until he beats you."

"Forget that!" Sephiroth felt ready to tear Seymour's hair out. "I'm not having some kid beating me up with an oversized key!"

"If it's any comfort," said Seymour, "the child is a Chosen One. A hero, you know. Wielder of the Keyblade."

"I'll shove that keyblade up his-"

"Rewind!"

_Click_.


	6. Chapter 6

Oh, the humiliation. 

The loss of dignity. The sheer, utter embarrassment. He was disgraced, ashamed, completely mortified. No word existed strong enough to express his feelings right now.

The kid waved his keyblade in a motion that reminded Sephiroth too much of a certain blond's victory celebration. "Nothing to it!" he squeaked, just to rub it in.

Seymour strode over to the defeated villain and grinned. "Now who's lame?"

Yeah, that's it, Sephiroth thought, just stamp on me while I'm down!

"If you must know," he said coldly, "I let the kid defeat me. Killing him again and again was becoming tiresome."

"Of course, if you say so," Seymour replied, his smirk widening. "Can you stand up?"

Seymour pulled the silver-haired villain to his feet. Sephiroth swayed for a moment and clutched his chest.

"Allow me to heal you."

"You'll regret this," said Sephiroth, as the maester of Spira used magic to heal his wounds. "As soon as I'm fully recovered, I'll kill you."

"Your gratitude is appreciated."

"Just tell me one thing."

"Yes?"

"Is... is my hair...?"

"Still as silver and shiny and straight as ever."

"Thank Mother." Nobody messed with his hair. "Now prepare to die." He drew his sword.

"I'm afraid not." Seymour turned, his body twisted, and then he seemed to just melt away. Gone.

Sephiroth swore loudly. He tried to compose himself by making a mental list of all the people he wanted to kill. Seymour had moved up to second. Number one... Kuja, obviously. Below them, all his irritating remnants, but especially Loz. Their very existence was an embarrassment. Cloud had been on his hit list for years now, but recently he had dropped a few places as more pressing matters occupied Sephiroth's attention.

Like how to get out of this time-compressed world, for instance.

"Ultimecia!" he yelled. "I know you're listening! Return me to my own world at once!"

Once again, he thought he heard distant laughter, but nothing happened.

He added Ultimecia to the list. Right, that was it. He would go to Ultimecia's castle, find the old wench and kill her.

"You understand nothing."

Sephiroth almost jumped at the deep, cold voice, but managed to stop himself in time. "Who's there?" And no, that wasn't a quaver in his voice. He was Sephiroth. He was never frightened. Ever.

The sinister voice chuckled. "Your world... has been connected."

And then Sephiroth felt a familiar swooping sensation in his newly-repaired stomach as time fluctuated once more. He crashed forwards, caught a glimpse of Hojo, with a probe in his hand, chasing after Seymour while Kefka watched, laughing maniacally; then Ultimecia sitting on her throne, knitting; then he finally materialised in a... room.

He hadn't been here before, but it became immediately clear whose room this was...

"Sephy!" said Kuja. "How nice of you to join us again."

The feminine villain, back in his normal form, was perched on the end of an ornate four poster bed. Silk hangings decorated most of the walls, and a large portrait of Kuja posing seductively in only a thong smiled down at them from the wall behind the bed. But most disturbingly, four silver cages hung suspended from the ceiling like giant chandeliers. Three of them were occupied.

"Father!" said Kadaj. "Father, help us, please!"

Sephiroth almost spontaneously combusted. He didn't know how much more he could take.

"Kuja!" he hissed. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm collecting silver-haired villains," said Kuja happily. "Yazoo is still my favourite, of course, but when I became a little bored by him, I found Kadaj! Kadaj is almost as pretty as Yazoo, and then I thought, well, why not have the whole set?" He beamed.

Kadaj rattled the bars of his cage. "Father, please, get us out!"

"Although, I must admit, Kadaj is the most troublesome of my three canaries," Kuja went on. "He bites. Yazoo is very easy to keep, and so is Loz, once I figured out how to keep him entertained."

Sephiroth looked up, and sure enough, Yazoo was simply standing there like a dummy as usual, while Loz was grinning and making 'Wark, wark!' noises with a chocobo plushie.

He sighed. It almost didn't seem worth it, but...

"Let my remnants out, Kuja."

Kuja laughed. "Now? When the prize of my collection has just appeared so obligingly?" He pranced towards Sephiroth and spread his arms. "Come, fly into my cage, my silver canary. I saved the best one for you!"

"You don't seriously think I would just walk into your trap?" Sephiroth sneered.

"Father, be careful!" said Kadaj.

Before either Sephiroth or Kuja could react, the room froze for a moment, then shimmered, before returning to normal. Except now someone else had joined them. A man with long silvery hair and orange eyes stood beneath the cages.

"This world has been connected."

Sephiroth recognised that voice. "You!"

Kuja clapped his hands in delight. "What do we have here? Another silver-haired villain to collect?"

The man frowned. "Collect? No, you do not understand. My name is Ansem. I have come to find the darkness in the centre of all worlds."

"Excuse me," said Sephiroth icily. Now he had taken in the man's appearance, he was not pleased at all. "I think you'll find that long silver hair has been patented by me and my brethren."

Ansem put a hand to his slicked-back hair. "But..."

Kuja pranced over to Ansem and stroked the villain's hair. "Hmm, a shade or two lighter, perhaps... Never mind, you'll make a fine addition to my collection! But I think I shall have to confiscate all that fake tan you must be using. It does not become you at all, my friend. You look like a Sephy who's been out too long in the sun!"

Ansem's eyes flashed. "No, I do not! My skin tone is entirely natural, I assure you!"

"I won't allow this," Sephiroth growled. "You're a pale... sorry – _orange_ imitation of me!"

"Why, you-"

"I suggest you don't finish that line. It would be unwise to make me angry."

Ansem shoved Kuja out of the way and squared up to Sephiroth. "Go on then. Embrace the darkness in your heart and allow me to destroy you!"

"You'll pay for that, pretender!"

"Go on, Father!" Kadaj yelled. "Kill him! Kill him!"

"Fight, fight, fight!" Loz had dropped his toys and was watching the scene eagerly.

"No!" said Kuja. "You'll ruin each other, and my bedroom too!"

"All the better," Sephiroth muttered.

"Let me out!" Kadaj yelled, a manic glint in his eyes. "I'll help you, Father!"

"Stop!" said Kuja, but he could only watch helplessly as Sephiroth leapt over the bed and sliced off the front of the cages, allowing the three brothers to topple out.

Kadaj and Loz both jumped on Kuja. "Where's my sword? Give me my Souba!"

Yazoo grabbed his Velvet Nightmare from Kuja's dressing table and stood next to Sephiroth, facing Ansem, who was backing away.

Sephiroth smirked. "Come now... I thought you wanted a battle?"

"Two on one is hardly fair," Ansem replied.

"Don't shoot, Yazoo," Sephiroth instructed the boy. "I will kill him myself."

Yazoo blinked. "Where's Mother?"

"Oh, for..."

"Come, Riku!" said Ansem.

"My name is _Sephiroth_!" he spat. He heard someone shriek behind him as he struck at Ansem.

The room melted...

The time vortex swirled... It made Sephiroth think of hot, creamy soup... he hadn't realised how hungry he was.

_Bump_.

Disorientated once again by the time shift, Sephiroth stepped back to survey his new surroundings. They were on a white, sandy beach. The place had a tropical air. It was very hot.

"You called me?" A youth appeared on the edge of the shore. He had big feet, pale blue eyes and...

"Silver hair!" said Kuja. The thong-wearer ran over to the youth. "It's a mini-silver-haired villain! Oh, joy of joys!" Kuja looked at everyone around him. "I shall have to devote a bigger room to you all."

The youth recoiled from Kuja, obviously taken aback by his bizarre appearance. "What are you talking about? Ansem, what's going on?"

"I've had enough of this," growled Sephiroth. "Ansem, do you realise that this cross-dresser wants to imprison us all in giant bird cages?"

"And do unspeakable things to us?" Kadaj added.

"Nonsense!" said Kuja. "I know you all love me – after all, who wouldn't? In this little drama of ours, I am the star, and I'll let you all have parts to play. I'll call it 'The Silver Masque'. Yazoo, you can be the beautiful princess. Sephy, you can..."

He stopped. He had just realised that all the other villains had surrounded him, and his circle of spotlight was getting smaller and smaller.

"You have tormented me long enough," Sephiroth said. "For your insulting and attempted collection of all silver-haired villains, I sentence you to death."

Kuja tossed his hair and put his hands on his hips. "You don't think I'd get into a situation like this without an escape route, do you?"

"He's bluffing," said Riku.

"Bluffing, am I?" said Kuja. "You're very perceptive for one so young. But, I'm afraid you're wrong."

The villains stared at Kuja. Kuja's hand inched towards his thong. Then, with lightning speed, he whipped it off.

"ARRGHHH!"

Sephiroth's eyes burned. The image was branded onto his memory forever. He felt ready to have a nervous breakdown.

He looked up, and Kuja was already getting away, flying on a silver dragon. Kuja waved at him.

"Yazoo!" said Sephiroth. "Shoot him, now!"

Yazoo looked at him. "But Father... you told me not to shoot."

"Too late," said Riku, as the dragon flew out of sight.

A nerve in Sephiroth's temple twitched. Then he finally snapped. "YOU STUPID PUPPET! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!"

"Whoa," said Riku. "What did I ever do to – argh!"

* * *


	7. Chapter 7

When Sephiroth flew into an insane, murderous rage, nothing could stop him. Well, apart from that skinny teenage Shinra grunt, but he didn't want to think about that. He didn't think. He just killed. Because that was what he _did_. 

He had dispatched Riku, Yazoo and Loz when it all went wrong. The world fizzled out yet again – and why did he have no control over it? He'd have to speak to Jenova and see if she couldn't rig this whole time and space warp business – either that, or call the Doctor. As his body rushed through the vortex, he concentrated all his considerable willpower on reaching Ultimecia.

He knew he had succeeded when he landed in the hall of a gothic-looking castle. Only Ultimecia could have such bad taste in interior decorating. The place was a shambles too; the wallpaper was peeling, the pictures faded and the furniture was covered in dust. Very shoddy work.

"I'm coming for you, Ultimecia," he muttered.

Then the person almost at the top of his 'people I don't like to see' list materialised on the staircase. Seymour didn't look quite as collected as usual; in fact, he was grimacing.

"Something wrong?" asked Sephiroth.

"Not at all," said Seymour. "I'd prefer not to talk about it, if you don't mind. I see you made it to Ultimecia's Castle."

"Yes. Either you help me find and kill the bitch, or you get in my way and die." Sephiroth raised his bloody Masamune. "I don't mind which."

"Been causing carnage? I shall have to erase that."

"Don't," Sephiroth growled. "If you try that rewind trick one more time on me, I swear I'll-"

"Too late. Ultimecia's already fixed it."

Sephiroth couldn't manage a coherent reply, so he settled for, "Argh!"

"I'd also like to remind you that I'm already dead, so you can't kill me."

"Argh!"

"When you regain the power of speech, I'm sure you will thank me for bringing you here. I'll take you to Ultimecia if you wish."

Sephiroth got his tongue working again. "Why? I thought you were trying to be a supervillain – not very evil resurrecting and helping people, is it, you pathetic fool?"

"You can't torment people if they are dead."

Sephiroth couldn't think of a reply to this, which infuriated him. "Just take me to Ultimecia!" he growled.

"Here," said Seymour. "All you have to do is tap this banister. According to Ultimecia, a group of SeeDs will be arriving soon, but they won't find this simple means of transportation; instead, they'll waste their time searching the entire castle and killing monsters to regain their powers. We have plenty of time."

Sephiroth smirked despite himself. He and Seymour tapped the banister, and after one nanosecond arrived in Ultimecia's chamber. Ultimecia had by now knitted an entire cardigan. When Sephiroth stared at it, she muttered defensively, "It's draughty in here!"

Then she remembered that this was her domain, and she was in fact sitting on a throne. So she stood up and announced impressively, "Welkome, Sephiroth. I have been waiting for you to kome. I have sent you on a journey through time. A journey to test your kourage and spirit."

Sephiroth was getting bored of her speech, so he stabbed her in the chest.

"Ow!" said Ultimecia. A black mist rose about her – obviously, she couldn't just die, it had to be dramatic and weird-looking.

"Congratulations," said Seymour. "You just killed the woman who was controlling time compression."

"Your point being?" Sephiroth asked, as he drew the sword out of Ultimecia and she fell on the floor at his feet.

"Now everything will spiral out of control."

Sephiroth was beyond caring. As far as he was concerned, everything was already out of control. The throne, Ultimecia, Seymour and then the whole room vanished. But this time a scene didn't appear to replace it. He was standing against an empty background, rather like an artist's painting, in which the artist drew the subject in loving detail but then couldn't be bothered to paint anything else. Artists tend to draw on white paper, however, and this lack-of-background was black.

Somebody else was there though. A man with gravity-defying blond hair and a giant sword to rival Sephiroth's. His blue eyes looked vaguely confused. This was normal. Sephiroth could hardly remember a time when the blond didn't have a look of utter befuddlement on his face. He smirked.

"Cloud… we meet again."

"W-where am I? What's going on? I-I-I-"

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "Stop stuttering, you worthless puppet."

"I'm not a puppet!"

Sephiroth thought about engaging in more pre-battle banter, but he was running out of Clichéd Villain Speeches™ by now and he was rather tired. He settled for an evil glare and rushed his enemy. Cloud, being Cloud, didn't shy away from battle. It was quite astonishing how such a scrawny guy could wield such a giant blade at all. Bored, Sephiroth let his body do the work and instead contemplated on his exact relationship with his mother.

Meanwhile, Cloud was tiring. His parries were getting slower and weaker. Should have picked a lighter blade, Sephiroth thought. He could have swung it for a bit longer then. Sephiroth, possessing limitless stamina and strength (as the ladies all knew… ah, how he longed for the glory days of the war…), quickly forced Cloud back. He would have backed him into a corner, except there were no corners. He wasn't even sure whether he was floating or standing.

Sephiroth got past the pretend SOLDIER's guard and sliced across his arm. Wrong arm, unfortunately – Cloud still held his sword, but the wound made him gasp and stumble.

The silver-haired villain leered down at his enemy, poised to strike. Remembering what happened last time, he didn't waste another second gloating or stabbing Cloud in the shoulder. He ran his precious Masamune through Cloud's jumpy little puppet heart. Cloud shuddered and then went limp. His strings had been cut.

Sephiroth stopped. His brain couldn't process the situation. Had he actually _won_? He couldn't celebrate, couldn't even gloat. This wasn't supposed to happen. Sephiroth knew the rules. Supervillains were _always_ defeated by the hero. It was like a Law of Nature.

He felt strangely empty. What was supposed to happen now? Oh yes… he had a world to take over. It just didn't seem right without a plucky band of heroes getting in his way.

"And… that's it! Put your pens – er, I mean swords down now! The examination is over! Over! I said _put it down_ Kadaj! Or I'll unleash my Light of Judgement!" The speaker laughed maniacally.

That voice.

"Kefka?"

The empty background suddenly came into focus. He was back in the classroom, sitting at his desk. Lacklustre light streamed in through the window. Chalk squeaked. Outside, he could hear a bird singing. It was all incredibly mundane. He had forgotten how ordinary this classroom was. Maybe it appealed to Kefka's warped sense of humour, he thought.

"That's right!" said Kefka gleefully. "Welcome back! The test is over and I'm about to decide the final marks!"

"Test?" said Sephiroth. "This was all a test?" His poor, battered mind, which had just barely managed to retain its intelligent insanity, was struggling again. He looked around. Everyone was there. He had stabbed Ultimecia in the chest and watched her die – yet there she was. She glared at him and made a rude hand gesture. He turned away. Behind him, his three stooges were sitting next to each other. Kadaj copied Ultimecia's hand gesture, causing Loz to burst into a fit of childish giggles. Yazoo looked as poised and elegant as ever. Apparently being killed by Sephiroth hadn't even managed to ruffle his hair.

Sephiroth heard footsteps, and turning, he saw Hojo enter the classroom. He stared at the scientist coldly. Hojo really was unbelievably ugly. The scientist was holding a sheaf of papers, which he handed to Kefka with a grin. Nearby, Sephiroth noticed that Seymour had blanched and was trying to edge his chair away.

"What's up with you?" he hissed at the blue-haired villain.

"Nothing, nothing," said Seymour, attempting to appear composed.

Hojo finished talking to Kefka at the teacher's desk and turned his attention to the class. He nodded at Seymour.

"I haven't finished with you yet. Kefka has promised me that if you fail, he'll let me keep you as a specimen!" Hojo rubbed his hands and cackled.

Seymour's face had turned an unhealthy shade of grey. His veins appeared to constrict. "Let's hope I pass then," he whispered, in a worthy attempt at sounding offhand.

Hojo winked. "I'm sure you will. I'm sure I haven't doctored any of the results. At all. Indeed. Heh heh heh." He left.

Seymour groaned.

Before anyone could comment, Kefka leapt onto his desk and announced triumphantly, "This is it, folks! The results are in! I bet you're all dying to know if you've passed my class!"

Seymour stood up. "Let's just get it over with." He reached out his outsized hand for the results. Kefka grinned and waved the wad of paper in the air, out of Seymour's reach. "Kefka… you're wasting my time."

A sly figure slipped in through the door. Kuja's silvery hair glimmered as he sidled up to the teacher's desk. "I think I want it more than you do, Seymour," he crooned. Sephiroth and his brethren all growled simultaneously at the sight of the skimpiest supervillain, but Kuja had already sneaked behind the desk and grabbed the test results.

Kefka winked and spoke in a whisper that everybody heard, "You've done really well, Kuja! You're my star pupil! Even better than Riku in my other class!"

Kuja flourished the test results and bowed at his fellow students. "I try my best. Now, who wants their results?"

Sephiroth gritted his teeth. He would not beg for the examination results like the pathetic trio behind him, or Seymour who was desperate to pass.

"Here you go, Ultimecia… and Yazoo, here's yours." Kuja patted the young man's shoulder and murmured, "We can celebrate later."

Yazoo just looked blank.

"Does he, er, know how to read?" asked Seymour.

Kadaj snatched the paper away from Yazoo's limp hands. "I'll read it."

Kuja continued to twirl around the classroom, handing out results papers in a gallant fashion. Finally, he stopped in front of Sephiroth. He looked at the final paper.

"Do you want it?" Kuja breathed. As usual, he was standing too close for Sephiroth's comfort.

Sephiroth held out his hand irritably.

"Shall I take that as a yes?"

He was so _infuriating_.

"…Yes."

"Do you want it right now?"

"Kuja, you really don't want me to lose my patience." His patience had been so thin lately; he'd almost forgotten he had any.

Kuja held the paper behind his back with one hand and stroked Sephiroth's cheek with the other. Sephiroth jerked his head away.

"Patience, my silver canary. I don't give it to just anyone, you know."

"Don't. Touch. Me."

Kuja pressed his finger on his mouth in mock surprise. "But I thought you wanted me to. You said you wanted it…" A fiendish grin appeared on his face. "I've been saving myself for you. Yazoo… Kadaj… they were mere blips on the path to you."

"I don't want to know," Sephiroth growled. "Give me the test results and get the hell away from me!"

Kuja sighed and flipped back his hair. "You know what your problem is, Sephy? You have no sense of humour. I take a fiendish delight in all my evil ways. You, however… well, you're like a poor actor in the wrong part."

Sephiroth could have sworn that, just for a second, his vision went red. Forget composure. He let out a strangled yell and grabbed Kuja bodily. He ripped the test results away but Kuja was still clinging to him.

"Are you angry?" Kuja purred. "I like it when you're angry."

"Get – off!"

Sephiroth felt something long and supple snake its way around his leg and almost fainted before he remembered that Kuja had a monkey tail. Kuja's sharp-nosed face grinned at him impishly. It was time for drastic action. The black-coated villain lifted his free leg sharply and kneed Kuja in the groin.

Kuja let out a high-pitched squeal and let go immediately. He limped away and shot Sephiroth a glare of venomous hatred. Loz looked up from his test results (which he probably couldn't read either) and guffawed.

Sephiroth ignored them all. He would remain Splendidly Aloof. Instead, he started reading. Most of the writing was typed but every now and then someone had added a comment in cursive lettering.

**Student's Name: **Sephiroth

**Class:** How to be an Amazing Supervillain (Introductory Course)

**Teacher:** Kefka _(the Great, Shining and Terrifying One)_

The student was assessed in five different areas. Each one is marked out of 10 to give a final mark out of 50. The pass mark is 25.

**Attire**

2/10 (Awful)

_Black is so last year. Student also requires a haircut._

**Resourcefulness**

3/10 (Poor)

_Didn't cope well under pressure. Relied on the same tactics repeatedly._

**Skill**

8/10 (Good)

_Managed to cut down most of his enemies with the Masamune. Loses points for relying too heavily on a very long implement._

**Wit**

4/10 (Below Average)

_Quickly ran out of clever retorts. Resorted to a permanent sneer._

**All-round Evilness**

9/10 (Very Good)

_A natural killer. Insane and full of hatred. Needs to fix oedipal complex._

**Final Mark: **26/50 (Pass)

Congratulations! You have passed the How to be an Amazing Supervillain (Beginner's level) course! You are now ready to proceed to the Intermediate level.

_A Friendly Bit of Advice from Evil Overlord Kefka:_

_Lighten up!_

"So," said Kuja, who had dared to venture near him again, "how did you do?"

"I passed."

"You did better than those puppets of yours then."

Sephiroth glanced back. Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo were all clinging to each other, their faces wet with tears. They really were an embarrassment.

"That doesn't surprise me," he snorted.

"I scored the highest marks in the class," Kuja boasted.

"Because Kefka has some sort of fetish with you."

Kuja drew himself up to his full, if not very impressive, height. He sounded scandalised. "Are you suggesting that I didn't get the highest scores purely on merit?"

"Yes." Sephiroth shot Kefka a burning glare, but the supervillain teacher was too busy arguing with Seymour.

"They've been tampered with, I know they have," Seymour was saying.

"How can you tell?" Kefka demanded.

"I can see the Tippex!"

Kefka shook his head stubbornly and cackled for good measure. "That proves nothing! You just can't accept that you fail as a supervillain and as a person!"

"I passed, I'm absolutely certain of it – look, it's only the end result that has been changed – the module scores add up to a much higher mark! I suggest you fix your calculator and alter it."

Kefka's voice grew dangerous. Everyone else forgot their arguments and conversations and watched in silent fascination. "Are you suggesting that I can't add up?"

"I'm suggesting that _Hojo_ has deliberately-"

"Are you suggesting that I CAN'T ADD UP?"

"No, as I said, the problem lies not with you, but-"

"DO YOU THINK I'M A MORON?" Kefka screeched. He was practically dancing with rage.

Sephiroth felt the hairs on the back of his neck prickle. There was an acrid smell in the air.

"Do you feel that?" Kuja asked nervously. His hair crackled.

"Power," said Sephiroth. "Raw power…"

Kadaj and his brothers stood up. "What _is _that?"

Meanwhile, Seymour's pleas were becoming increasingly desperate. "I just want you to change the mark; it can't be that difficult-"

"Oh no, I'm sure that for an IDIOT LIKE ME it'll be completely IMPOSSIBLE!"

"We'd better go," said Sephiroth.

**xxxxx**

Approximately two minutes later, an explosion engulfed the building in which Kefka taught his students. Three minutes after that, a slightly scorched moogle was seen to emerge from a backdoor, saying rather dazedly, "Kupo?" And thirty seconds later, a gleeful Hojo was observed bundling a large collection of prone bodies into a van, mumbling happily about his new specimens. There were also one or two reports of a man wearing black jumping onto the roof of the van, but all the witnesses vanished in strange circumstances soon afterwards.

**(A/N: And then Sephiroth forced the author at swordpoint not to write any more because he was sick of being treated like cannon fodder... Or in other words, that's it. The end. The more I read this story, the less funny I find it... but hey, some people seemed to like it and I didn't want to leave it unfinished, so I tried my best. Well, if you have any opinions, please review. Just don't ask for more. It won't happen. I'm certain that I've taken this as far as I can take it.)**


End file.
